realization

wow brian is right... i ain't no blogger. I'm just a guy who has a blog and writes down this thoughts from time to time. I usually come up with the excuse that I can't come up with anything to write about, but honestly I could write about anything. I think I've set this standard for myself that every post I publish needs to be worthy of reading and if i can't meet my own standard i just don't write. For me it's been about quality over quanity, but I realize for bloggers it's just about having your voice heard, and taking joy in that. I just want to see if I can write about something every day till the end of May. Who knows, maybe it will jump start a love for writing. For sure it's not technically sound, but just raising my voice is good enough for me.

stalemate

Potential. All my life, people have been telling me that I have potential. The potential to do and be greater than who I am. As they are saying this to me, the questions that always pops up in my mind is, "isn't that true for everyone? don't we all have the potential to be better? because I am 100% sure that no one in this world has maximized all they can do in their life." I know they are saying this out of love, trying to motivate me to be better, etc. but at the same time in their eyes, they see me as a failure. I can tell by the tone of their voice, the context in which they share it with, and how they look at me. The kicker is that I know that I am a failure. In some sense they are right. I should be doing/being this person I could be because I have the capability to do so. There are so many things I know I could be doing better or right, but I just let it slide because I feel as though my life is A-ok. All my life, I've gotten by with the norm. Mediocre. Slightly better than average. Whatever it takes to "succeed", but not go over the top. In the end, my mind thinks two things: there's always someone that's going to be better than you in whatever you do, so don't waste your time in being better than everyone because it will just consume your life. no matter what the situation may be, as long as I am still alive on this earth, everything will be okay because I know that God is always there.

I look at those people who overachieve, and I wonder if they are ever satisfied. I'm sure they find pleasure in besting someone or receiving recognition/award, but that never lasts. In return, they keep working to get more and it's a never ending cycle. And then I see my life, I've gotten by with everything, and I'm somewhat content with it. I know I could have, should have, would have done things different if I knew the outcome, but I don't. But at the same time, I know not overachieving does not mean that I can be stagnate, or worse, falling the other way. I'm on a very slippery slope. Ultimately, I want my motiviation to be for God and no one else, but when people run the guilt trip on you I find myself either: Doing it for them, so they can shut the eff up or say or do the wrong thing, even if in my heart i know that i'm just going against the flow. I hate myself for doing it, but it just happens. All I know is that I've hit a bump in the road, and I'm not who I could be. I want to be all these things and I will do what I can to get there, but most of all finding stength in Him only when I am weak. It comes back to the word, potential. Everyone has it, whether it's a lot or a little. I think in the end it's not about being/doing better because you won't be the best. However, it's about doing what is right. Someone once asked me, "Are you loving God with what you are doing?" At that time, I couldn't say yes to that question even if I wanted to come up with an excuse or trying to rationalize it, and I can't say yes now.

choices

Lately, the joke of the town has been FML, which means F*** my life. There's a site for people to write about their situation and how it sucks for them and they usually end the bit with FML. From an objective point of view, some of them are pretty funny. Actually, it's hilarious. It's so easy to laugh at others misfortunes because it really does suck for them. Psychologically, I think it's easy for you to laugh because it makes you feel better about your own life. It's nice knowing that your life isn't that bad compared with someone else. Yeah...somewhat messed up, but that's the way it is. Hmm... so the title of the post is "choices", but what does FML have to do it them?

Basically, another reason why FML is funny is because of this fact. Whatever misfortune or mishap that person experiences, it takes them by surprise. Thus, giving the reason of saying F*** my life, because there was nothing they could have done about it. It just happened. They couldn't have prevented it by choice. Ah and there we go. The word, choice, is brought back into the conversation. I'm writing about choice because as people we love to have the choice, a choice, whatever choice, to impose our free will in our lives. (whether or not making the right choice, that's a different topic) However, more often than not, we don't realize how our choices really affect our lives. We want to blame anything/anyone other than ourselves. We scapegoat because we think that it isn't our fault, but if you only stopped to think and instead of unleashing a cornicopia of emotion. Maybe, just maybe you would see the real reason why you got into that situation, or said the things you said was because of the choices you made.

It's easy to complain when things don't go our way. Hell I'm guilty of this as well. Now though I've come to realize that instead of complaining about things, why not just accept it and continuing living life with this experience/knowledge gained. Everything isn't about you, it just isn't. I've had to learn it the hard way, but now that I have, I can say that it's worth it. So if you want to keep complaining, i'm sure there are millions of people out there who have it worst that you. There is prolly nothing "FML" worthy about your life and if you think you do, I can prolly top it with something worse. But that's the thing, life goes on, and with it more choices to make. Making the right ones, well, only time will tell.

second chances

A friend wanted me to write about second chances. Not just second chances in general, but second chances when it comes to relationships. I'll tell you right off the bat, I'm all for second chances. There's an aspect of forgiveness, mercy, etc. However, there are circumstances in which a second chance might not be granted due to various reasons , and that's understandable. Even though I am for second chances, I realize the possibility of one is rare. Not included within the second chances realm are those couples that go on breaks, but they still talk to each other and then eventually get back together. Nah, I'm talking about people who broke up, went to minimal contact with each other, and then realized later on that maybe they were meant for each other or try to work out those differences/reasons they broke up in the first place. Haha it's no wonder it's so rare, after reading that last sentence, there has to be a lot of recognizing and action taking place. Also the fact that both people need to be on the same page after they weren't makes it seem even harder. I'm not trying to discourage you by this, but to offer the reality of the situation. However, what does it take for a second chance to happen? Well this is the part my friend wanted me to address.

Seeing that in most cases of a break up, a breach of trust/understanding surfaces as the reason for the split. Something was done or even not done to affect the person's mind and heart about the other person. Because of this case, the person has a lot to prove to the other person. It takes humility for both parties. The person who is at "fault/wrong" must realize what they did was wrong, and must have the desire to change. At same time, the person who was wronged, must not be jaded and accept the fact that there is progress in the change. Instead of thinking that the other person won't change and just leave it at that. This is the surface of what it looks like, to go in depth is the hard work, dedication, and action poured in. Some may have it easier than others, maybe it is meant to be for some.

There's usually two adages that go with second chances. The first one is "never say never" and the second one is "if it's really meant to be, it will happen". I fully believe in both. Yes you can never say never, because you really don't know what can happen. However, you can get close to never by closing doors/opportunities. It just comes down to making choices and picking what path you're gonna take. With the second adage, it's easy to believe that if something is meant to be it will happen. That's awesome to think that. But once again, it comes down to your choices. Even if it was meant to be, you can't just sit back, do nothing, and know that it's gonna happen. I do agree that sometimes being proactive is taking a step back, but there has to be a point in time where being proactive means action. In the end it's about sticking to what you decide to act out. I was talking to a friend about this and told them, "There's always the possibility, but know your priorities." I know what mine are, do you?

motivation

By definition, motivation is the psychological feature that arouses an organism to action toward a desired goal; the reason for the action; that which gives purpose and direction to behavior. What are your motivations in life? What drives you to do the things that you do, the actions you commit to, the reason for your behavior? For myself, I have been brewing over this for sometime because I don't like to live life by just doing. I like to give thought to my actions and even review my impulses to find the root of what took place. So after thinking about it this is what i came up with, a couple of reasons for my life now ranging from important to petty things.

First and foremost, the reason why I live is because of Jesus. Oh wow, that one didn't surprise you, but it shouldn't. Actually it might for those who think I'm a heathen. Anyways, I know there are other motivating factors on why I live, but the main reason above anything else is getting to know Him better and being grateful for his death on the Cross. But it doesn't just stop there. I don't want to be a person who just gives a reason and can't back it up with anything. For me it's from 1 Peter 3:15 : "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"

In my last reason, I joked around being called a heathen, but that actually leads me to my next reason. For some of my actions, the motivate behind it is to prove people wrong. If we parallel this with my spiritual walk, I want to show people that there is no specific directions that you need to follow in order to know Christ. Just because I'm not doing it the way everyone else is doing it, doesn't mean what I'm doing is wrong. It's just different from what you are doing. Someone once told me that I wasn't spiritually mature. Instead of coming back at them with their flaws and how it's hypocritical for them to tell me such a thing. A fire grew inside of me to just show them that they were wrong. I was reminded of John 15:5 : "I am the vine and you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing" If they were to call me out and saying I wasn't bearing fruit in my life, then I would respect that because there is a standard to that. You're either bearing fruit in your life or you're not. But to say someone isn't spiritually mature in your own eyes, judged by your own standard, well that's a different story. But yeah, this is just a small glimpse of my motivation of wanting to prove people wrong.

The last motivation I wanted to share was the reason why I write on this blog. I write here because I want to open your eyes. Too often we go through life with a very narrow mindset and we see what we only want to see. I can tell you that I am guilty of that at time. Yes it's also true, that I'm just one man and these are only my words. You don't have to think what I am saying is right, but just acknowledge the fact that it's something different. I can assure you that what you are reading comes from my soul. That sometimes you're reading about my experiences with joy, pain, love, etc. I'm very open to share such things and I see it as a blessing. And for all you haters out there, keep hating cuz I'll keep writing just for you.

absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. out of sight, out of mind

Which one do you believe in? The first half of the title, suggest that whatever you are missing makes the heart yearn for it more through time. The second half of the title, suggest that whatever missing is just that, gone from your thoughts. Maybe I have to be clearer. Which one of the two do you believe in when it comes to someone you once cared about, but they aren't there in your daily life anymore? There is no right answer when it comes down to choosing one. One isn't always better than the other. It's a matter of choice and sticking to what you believe. I ask the question not having the intention of knowing your answer, but for you to evaluate your own heart and its actions. My past entries have been about others and what my observations about them were. This one is about myself and my experiences on this topic. At different junctions of my life (IN THE PAST) I have chosen followed each saying. Here I will share my insight.

absence makes the heart grow fonder
I like to joke around by saying this is the "you got it bad" phase. Even though she's not around, somehow she occupies your mind. Whenever you aren't doing something, the thought of her consumes you. It's not obsessive or anything, but it actually drives you kinda crazy. That good kinda crazy. It's the feeling you get when you know something amazing is gone from your life and the moment you realize it, it's like a part of you is missing. A void that is unable to be filled right away by another person. Bittersweet. You're holding on to that thread of hope, looking for signs that quite possibly a return to equilibrium will come one day. Be ready to lose sleep because there will be nights where restlessness will creep up on you. There were times where D-mode settles in. Those are the worst of times. The best part is the objective view you get of the person. No longer are you constantly around them, but you get to see them for who they are without proximity, mere exposure, and the works. This could be the point where it solidifies your feelings for them, but at the same time hanging by this thread of hope can be dangerous. She may not feel the same way or she just found someone else. Plus, going for round two is very challenging. Timing plays a big role here.

out of sight, out of mind
This is what i like to call the "i don't give an eff" stage. It's not that you've become apathetic or stopped caring about everything at all. It's just the fact that since you don't see that person, you stopped thinking about them and move your thoughts elsewhere. In a sense you stopped caring for that person because you feel like your thoughts shouldn't be wasted on them. It doesn't matter what happens to them, it is just news to your head. The good thing about going through with this is that you move on faster and can get yourself to look forward to the future. "Grass is greener on the other side" type deal. Some one asked, "If you actually like this person, how can you just "move on" or "stop caring" about that person so quickly? Doesn't that mean you never cared for them at all?" Not at all. In some of the cases, you might still care, but you got to sacrifice that in order to get some perspective. Sometimes it's just for the best. Sometimes you're opening your eyes and seeing them for who they really are and realizing it's just not meant to be.

In the end, no matter what choice I made. The girl does not come back into my life. She ends up just being an acquaintance of mine, and maybe we become friends later. Rarely does the girl ever come back into your life and plays a significant role. I've seen it a few times because both parties were committed to each other and later down the road they came back together. What I'm trying to say is don't get your hopes up too high because the odds are stacked against you. At the time, your heart and emotions might tell you that getting back with person might be a great idea, but you just have to think logically as well. Just trust, that someone better will come along. No need to force anything. But for most of my readers, here's some advice if you want to find a significant other: Leave AA because it's not a matter if the boy likes the girl, it's the matter of whether or not everyone and their moms approve of such a relationship should work out. You don't need that.

don't waste your time

that is what God said to me, "don't waste your time." well he didn't really say those words exactly to me, but that was the gist of it.

Before he "spoke" to me, I was actually having a rough week. It wasn't rough in the sense where everything was bad, woe is me type of a week. It was rough because I was wrestling with myself and getting restless with my thoughts. I began to wonder about certain things in my life and I couldn't shake off the cloud of disgust. I became overwhelmed with thoughts and it was evident even in my own life. I went to work not wanting to be there, not caring to do anything. I knew there was more to life than just being here and doing whatever. I knew that. But for some reason, my heart didn't believe it.

It was this past Saturday, when I went into work again. I felt fatigued and restless. Staring at the computer screen made things worse. I just wasn't right. Pacing around the room didn't help, so I sat back down in my chair and started to clear my mind. That's when God revealed himself to me. Right there, He opened my eyes and showed me how selfish I was. How I was wrestling with myself instead of with Him. He told me that during this process, I just lost sight of Him and it was time to come back. I got out of my seat and picked up my bible memory verses that have collected dust in my back pack and just went at it. All my restlessness just faded away, and I was at peace again. Now with a greater hunger for God, everything else didn't seem to matter. I drove home with the radio off. The only sound in the car was my voice belting out praise songs and the verses I memorized. I knew it all of this was from God because I got it confirmed the next day at church. The sermon was about the disciplined mind. In it, P. Seth mentioned how he wanted to memorize verses more and challenged those who drive to not listen to music or talk radio so they wouldn't be distracted. Crazy that I started doing those things the day before.

I know I may come off as a not so spiritual guy. If you think you're like that too, God will work in your life in ways you might not understand. In the end, being spiritual or holy, in a sense doesn't matter. It's about glorifying God with what you do and following His ways/commands. I'm telling you, it feels great.